Which is a wonder in itself, really. After His constant love and devotion. After witnessing countless miracles by His power. Yet, even after all these things I have set a firm limit on His ability. And even worse, I have labeled someone has "Unchangable".

I don't believe, not truely, that Jesus can change the heart of my mother. I have despaired in my soul that there is nothing that could make her understand... Not even God. I've believed for a long time, this lie. This is something I don't trust Him to do. I've given up hope.

A large part of me has abandoned fantasy of a functional, God fearing family, and turned it into fallacy. I desperately need to talk to my mom about my moving out, I need to own it, but I am so scared. Anxious about the trauma and drama that will unfold when I reveal my plans to her. Oh Lord, I don't want to hurt her.

I've absorbed nay-say after nay-say regarding this whole shit hole and I've adopted it as truth for myself.

My insides want to scream out in agony over this self-conflict. Though I know that in order to have a healthy relationship with her, this is absolutely necessary, I am sick with dread.

Why is that?! I am so frustrated over the littlest things. So hopeless and worn down. It's like I'm observing someone I don't know.

 

A thought occurred to me a while back that was very contrary to who I was about 2 years ago. I think I am needy. I don't think I've always been this way, but recently, I am. I need attention from others. I need more from the people around me. My friend, Phan, she loves me, I know that, but she just says some of the coldest things sometimes. It's just that I need more than that. She doesn't mean it like as meanly as it comes off, of course, but I can't keep pretending that I'm insensitive. Didn't I say, "Lucky I'm not a more sensitive creature?" That was my defense mechanism because I really felt like shit.

I'm in a bad place right now. It's just bad. I've lost my bearings, I can't say which way's up anymore. Depressed? Unlikely. Uninspired? Understated.

 

I wonder what the route to escape from this place is?

All this time my mantra has been, "I am a fortress". It's like I thought I was incredibly strong or something. It's time that I step off my high horse. Afterall, who do I know that messes up more than me? Who has a strong front but is continually crumbling inside more than I? It's time that I stop being a one woman army and give up fighting for myself and by myself. I should start seeking refuge and strength in my Savior. He gives me life and hope. It's more than I could ever imagine to do in my own power. HE IS MY FORTRESS. In Him I find my strength.

 

"If God is for us, then who can be against us?"