I am always so quick to retract any controversial statements and apologize compulsively until the person I've offended backs off and eventually forgets. This only happens with people I love because I am constantly living in the fear of rejection. Probably started with the fear of losing favor with an abusive mother. I walked on eggshells for the first 18 years of my life, never fighting back. Just doing whatever I could to ease her anger and make it pass on. With such a habit, doesn't it make sense that I do the same thing with my sisters, and my boyfriend, and others who have issues with me. I wonder what would happen if I stood behind the things I initially think and say.

I'm not worried because right now I am very emotional or going through a hard time. Right now, everything is fine, and there isn't much going on. But yesterday I accidentally cut myself on a very sharp knife and it seems that some part of me realized how easy it is to do self harm.

I know it would almost seem I am too self aware to even attempt such a thing, but I am still extremely unhealthy after getting out of my abusive household. I am dysfunctional in ways I don't even know. 

I just hope that this new realization doesn't come back to haunt me if I ever have some sort of emotional episode. Suppose the key is to become as healthy as possible right now.

I don't think I've ever felt this way before, maybe I've had little inklings, but never this. I'm being so cliché when I say this, but I am learning about the saying, "Home is Where The Heart Is". When he was here for nine days, for 216 little hours, I felt so at home. Just being able to lie in his arms, to cry on his shoulder, to laugh beside him, and hold his hand, I never felt so at home. Wow, so this is what love feels like. When every day is just another day that separates us, and I'm simply yearning to be with him again. How did someone as damaged as me ever achieve this feeling, this change? Its almost laughable how ridiculously cheesy and romantic I sound nowadays, but I think I am okay with that. Without a doubt he's changed me; this experience has altered my path so much. I am so happy though! Normally I find it so difficult to blog or write when I am happy, and it all seems so forced, but tonight, I am just happily reflecting on the last 4 months. 

I've got my first paycheck today, it's not much, about $130. But that is now $200 dollars out of $1200 that I am raising to go see him in March. 

I just want to be home again.